MiST: Sawaii Miyuu's "KISS"
February 27th, 2005
HARUKA: This is the first ever idol DVD we here at Sub. Senshi have had to go through, let alone MiST. Lemme tell ya something. This was HELL. Not just annoying, not just aggravating. It was HELL. You might think that sitting around watching a girl run around in skimpy outfits might be cool. But it's not. Especially when the girl in question is underaged.
JEDITE: I felt soiled looking at this and I'm an evil bastard.
HARUKA: Well it was the worst 50 minutes of my life, that's for damn sure. And putting this together makes me feel even worse about it, so you guys better appreciate this.
JEDITE: Or I will rip the energy right out of your overweight otaku bodies and use it to reanimate the corpse of Bela Lugosi.
This whole video in a nutshell.

HARUKA: OK, see that GIF up there? That's this whole video. Add in a few blur effects, a drunk cameraman and some odd toggling between black and white and color, and this is what you get. To give you an idea, the video starts with her lugging a suitcase into her hotel room, then getting on a cellphone and saying all of six lines to someone in Chinese while we see some aerial shots of China and "teasers" of the hell that is to come. then we get like 5 minutes of pans going from her feet to her head in various angles. There's a Ranma 1/2 ripoff BGM playing in the background, too.
The one title card we do get.

MINAKO: Unlike Jay-san, who had lot sof funny title cards to make fun of in his DVD review, we got the screw.
HOTARU: "Screwed," or "the shaft."
MINAKO: That too. This was the only title, the word "Kiss."
JEDITE: Well we can still have fun with it, for example we could say it stands for "Komatsu is Still Sluttier."
CHIBIUSA: "litagwua kayko iz stall smater"
TOMOE: "KIDS IN SWIM SUITS"
ELIOS: "Kickin' it Sexy Style"
HOTARU: You find this sexy?
MINAKO: Hotaru-chan, he dates an eight year old.
HOTARU: Point.
CHIBIUSA: im 905 yars ole bich!111
A token shot of China.

HARUKA: These are all the places we WON'T GET TO SEE
MINAKO: But they add all the shots in to try and make it erotic.
HOTARU: "Exotic."
MINAKO: No, "erotic", because kami-sama knows a video about a 17-year old who looks like a 14-year old is barely interesting.
ELIOS: *fap* *fap* *fap*
JEDITE: THE MOVIE HASN'T STARTED YET, PERVERT
Not exactly Kuji-In, is it?

HOTARU: Here we see another trend in this video. In addtion to the walking, smiling, lying and standing shots, and the panning bits, we have...
HARUKA: The folding. Take this shot. There's like SIX damn takes of her folding her hands. It lasts like half a minute, and they do this like 5 times over the course of the video. That's like 3 minutes.... out of fifty.
JEDITE: Heh. Don't be fooled. Sure she LOOKS upset, but you know she thinks: "HOT DAMN this is sweet, I get paid to do nothing but sit here and fold my hands in new and exciting ways."
HOTARU: She has not said anything to the camera since the opening. It's been... five minutes.
JEDITE: Well you see she's trying to lace her fingers into a crane, but it's not happening.
MINAKO: I can't believe you guys conned me into paying for this video. You should all pay me back.
XADIUM: *Ahem* You conned... me into lending you the money for it, Mina.
MINAKO: Don't crush my schemes, X-chan.
HOTARU: "Dreams?"
XADIUM: No, she means "schemes."
OMG It's Chlorophyll!

TOMOE: IT'S PLANT LIFE!
HOTARU: And she just plucked a fruit from the tree.
HARUKA: Looking back I think this was the best part of the whole film.
Our new cameras have many features.

HARUKA: Whoa. The image just started flipping randomly between Black and White and colour.
JEDITE: Maybe they're trying to kill everyone with pokemon seizures.
HOTARU: No, but I do think they are trying to give me motion sickness, what with how the camera is jerking back and forth.
MINAKO: It's like when you get that new camcorder with all the fancy features and you just want to toggle everything on and off, you know?
ARTEMIS: Isn't that how you broke our last camera, Mina?
HARUKA: I wish they'd broken their camera. Then we wouldn't have had to sit through this.
HOTARU: Now the camera is rotating AND the image is switching between BW and colour - value for money... *vomits in a sick bag*
MINAKO: Six minutes and still no speech...
HARUKA: Now they're zooming in on her nails. Like we came to see the pedicure.
HOTARU: *vomit* Manicure.
HARUKA: Whatever.
I'm so innocent. SOIL ME!

HOTARU: And now we see one of the other motifs in this production. The innocent-trying to be seductive-smile.
HARUKA: Yeah, while Jay got to see Miyuu run around shopping and liking supermarket and s[BLEEP]t, we get to see her fold her hands, stand around and SMILE. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
rei.bot: 10 SMILE: 20 FOLD HANDS: 30 PAN UP AND DOWN: 40: BLACK AND WHITE TO COLOR: 50 UTTER ONE WORD: 60 CHANGE OUTFIT: 70 GOTO 10
JEDITE: Her smile's message is clear.
ELIOS: "Take me now, you virile stud?"
JEDITE: "You paid 36 bucks for this. *smile* You got jipped"
HOTARU: My GOD there's another 45 second multiple take hand folding scene
TOMOE: IT TOOK SEVEN MINUTES AND THIRTY FOUR SECONDS FOR HER TO START TALKING SINCE THE INTRO
HOTARU: Because the average man has satisfied himself by then.
HARUKA: She said one short sentence. Then stopped. God, fansubbers would love this show. They should make it a series.
Announcing new "Whack-a-Miyuu!"

HARUKA: OH CRAP SHE JUST POPPED UP OUT OF NOWHERE!
JEDITE: And Ur-Anus lives up to her name once again.
HARUKA: *heads off for a quick change*
HOTARU: That's your dramatic tension for you.
MINAKO: Now she's on the beach modeling her swimwear.
HARUKA: *returns* Has she said anything yet?
HOTARU: No. Now she's just sitting on rocks.
ELIOS: If dere was an "H" in dat sentence it mite be more interestin'
HARUKA: H for Hentai?
ELIOS: "sit + H = Water closet dreams, baybee."
HOTARU: Ugh. Honestly.
HARUKA: Now she's walking again.
Ripe. Luscious. Pancakes.

HOTARU: They've oversaturated the reds so her bikini leaps out at you.
HARUKA: Yeah, but no matter how hard they try to 3D that s[BLEEP]t it ain't gonna happen. We're talkin' flatland. Right, 'Taru?
HOTARU: WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?
HARUKA: "And Haruka looked from Hotaru to Miyuu and back again, and could not tell the difference."
What a certain portion of the audience is doing now.

MINAKO: Is she... feeling herself up?
HARUKA: Looks that way.
XADIUM: OK, I've had to switch the time display on this player to "time remaining" as opposed to "time elapsed".
JEDITE: Hah, there's still about 40 minutes to go, fool.
XADIUM: Ugh.
Roadkill, Hawaiian style.

HARUKA: Ho! She's encountered something on the beach!
JEDITE: A poisonous jelly fish?
HOTARU: A beached whale that needs exploding?
MINAKO: David Hasselhoof as Mitch the lifeguard with the hairy gaijin chest?
JEDITE You mean the one that that James bond has assured us is aphrodisiac to the ladiez?
HARUKA: No it's some kind of fu[BLEEP]ed up dog.
She looks like we feel.

HOTARU: And she weeps for it ran from her.
JEDITE: Like those lemmings Disney herded into the sea, the producers must have induced its movment with a cattle prod.
MINAKO: OMG she SAID somehting, but there was no sound. Does it count?
HARUKA: Nope, that's lip synching to a non existent vocal track. It's been five full minutes since she's last said anything.
Kung-Fu Miyuu is ready for VENGEANCE

HOTARU: Grah return of the bikini.
HARUKA: And she looks PISSED.
MINAKO: IDORU VIDEO II: ENTER THE FIST OF MIYUU-SAN!
JEDITE: Well maybe she found out exactly what her target audience is.
HOTARU: This whole next bit at the sea is apparently her whole personality cartharsis.
HARUKA: Yeah. She's gone from being happy smiley to "I know you just look at me as some kind of piece of meat".
JEDITE: This is like a loving tribute to the underdeveloped frame of a 12 year old boy. NAMBLA would love this.
MINAKO: Who the HELL BUYS these things?!
ELIOS: *away, ordering this on the intarweb*
Cat: It's what's for Dinner.

JEDITE: Speaking of meat...
MINAKO: Whoah. real scenery for once.
HOTARU: This cat and that dog from earlier are the only other lifeforms we've seen so far.
HARUKA: This repetitive Ranma 1/2 BGM soothes me... to DEATH. She's wandering around a DESERTED China. AND FOLDING HER HANDS. AGAIN. WTF IS she trying to master a sutra?
CHIBIUSA: hshshshshshs kama sutra
HOTARU: WHY ARE THOSE THE ONLY WORDS YOU CAN SPELL CORRECTLY?! AND NOT THAT KIND OF SUTRA!
CHIBIUSA: fartknocker
HOTARU: ... Anyway, now she's walking down stairs.
MINAKO: Ooh a marketplace
"They gave me something to DRINK! Wai!"

HARUKA: She SPOKE! In Chinese!
JEDITE: After symbolically deflorating that drink lid with her straw!
MINAKO: How long's it been?
XADIUM: 11 minutes, 15 seconds since last utterance.
HARUKA: DAMMIT! ALL THE F[BLEEP]K SHE SAID WAS "Shey shey" or however the hell you transliterate it and then she WALKED OFF!
Idol DVDs: We put the Cat back into the bag.

JEDITE: Well it's fine, she had to back to collect the cat we saw earlier.
ARTEMIS: I find that joke racist, speciest, and offensive.
JEDITE: *gets the fork*
ARTEMIS: Stop looking at me like that...
JEDITE: *gets the bib*
ARTEMIS: ... *flees*
Sawai and creamy balls: Just what the producer likes to see.

HARUKA: Now she's running through some Twilight Zone Corridor in black and white. And then she's back at the market Again.
MINAKO: Buying more food... What does she think, she's still PSGM Usagi-chan?
JEDITE: Well running around and trying to be jailbait all day probably does work up an appetite.
HOTARU: Whilst killing the *appetite* I think they were trying to sate.
TOMOE: SHE JUST BOUGHT A BIG BALL IN CREAM... A BIG CREAMY BALL.
HOTARU: On the other hand... Ugh.
Spooning with Sawai

HARUKA: Now she's eating the creamy ball seductively. OH GOD SOMEONE GOUGE OUT MY EYES LIKE TEH OEDIPUS REX!
CHIBIUSA: hssssssssssssssssssh...
HOTARU: Don't mention Oedipus here, please!
TOMOE: TECHNICALLY THAT'S AN ELECTRA COMPLEX
"But it's too long, chief!"

HOTARU: She is seeking the tiniest shorts known to mankind.
MINAKO: She dares wear short shorts?
HARUKA: If that s[BLEEP]t got any shorter it would be FLOSS.
HARUKA: Oh, we're back to that Twilight zone place.
Even stoned, an idol has to look her best.

HARUKA: Whoa, was there Sake in her creamy balls, because she looks STONED in these BW Shots.
JEDITE: Hey, above her to the right, is she posing by electricity meters?
TOMOE: YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU? FOR PEDOS THE MOOD IS NOW "ELECTRIC!" MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
WORD UP, IT'S MIYUU IN DA HOUSE!

HOTARU: She's... grabbing her CROTCH.
ELIOS: No, prude, she's pointin' the way.
HARUKA: I thought only fat italian gansters did that kind of s[BLEEP]t.
JEDITE: She's either rapping or presenting, I'm not sure which.
"Yeah you know you like it."

HARUKA: She's trying to get everyone all excited with her coy looks but I'm just not feeling it.
JEDITE: Apparently there's not much to feel, right, Tomoe?
HOTARU: AGAIN WITH THAT?!
ELIOS: *fap* *fap* *fap*
MINAKO: Ugh, at least someone is feeling something...
HARUKA: I feel like I want to die, does that count?
"This is my leg. It helps *you* stand up, ne?".
HARUKA: Geeeeez... it's ANOTHER hand folding montage. I'm not even going to bother capping it because by now we all know the structure of her hands in SUPER INTIMATE DETAIL.
JEDITE: Now she's stroking her leg... she looks like she's selling herself... like that cow in the hitchhiker's guide who was pimping itself as a meal.
HOTARU: Prime Idol, 1400 yen a kilo...
...and then Freud's head exploded.

MINAKO: O_O
HARUKA: Hey it only took her four minutes to speak this time, she said "oishii" which means "delicious."
HOTARU: She said this while licking those balls. On a stick. Good god.
HOTARU: We are now spending MUCH time. At least 30-40 seconds. We are watching her lick these balls set to MUSIC.
MINAKO: This may be some old pervert's fantasy... but it's my nightmare...
ELIOS: Yeah baby... lick it~~~~
Even toe-fetishists get their due on Miyuu's watch.

HOTARU: And now she's getting her feet massaged.
MINAKO: Well it makes sense, look at all that walking she did!
HARUKA: God thse bas[BLEEP]rds are so cheap they are even filming the MASSAGE SESSION that they have to give her after making her walk all that way. They sure do know how to get value for money.
"Wait this is gonna be on the DVD?"

JEDITE: Note the the drugged out look of exhausted misery on her face: "Are you filming this too.... why?"
XADIUM: I think we *all* have that look on our faces by this point....
HOTARU: I never knew watching something could actually bring on physical *pain*.
HARUKA: This is why MST3K was invented, folks. To soothe the bitter pill.
LOLICON ALERT! AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT!

HOTARU: Now she's massaging her OWN LEG on a BED. She's dressed like a FOUR YEAR OLD. They *are* going for the Chibiusa set.
ELIOS: *fapfapfap*
XADIUM: People... it's only 23 minutes in... out of FIFTY.
MINAKO: Nooo.... if this was MST3K, we'd have a skit right about now...
JEDITE: Well it's not so suffer.
MINAKO: Moh~~
"Pillow... it's just not like it used to be. The spark's gone."

HARUKA: OMG WHAT IS SHE DOING TO THAT PILLOW?!
HOTARU: We don't want to know
Chibiusa: culd it b diz hshshshshshs

HARUKA: AHH BLIND~~~
HOTARU: ARRGH!
ELIOS: I wanna be your pillow, suga babe!
BOO!

HARUKA: Tilt. Pan. Zoom. Chinese Ranma BGM agai-- WHOA
JEDITE: What the hell is that?! Her severed head out for vengance?!
"I'm pretty, aren't I?"

HARUKA: She's narcissistically stoned on her own reflection!
HOTARU: Now she's rolling around on her bed....
XADIUM: Yes, see, we ARE giving you the FULL plot of this. We aren't even synopsizing. This is sort of thing that goes on in thexe videos. Coy glances, and pajama-clad idols. ROLLING AROUND ON THEIR BEDS. LIKE IDIOTS.
JEDITE: On I think the hate's starting.
XADIUM: OF COURSE THE HATE IS STARTING! THESE ARE MINUTES OF MY LIFE I WILL NEVER GET BACK!
No symbolism here, folks, nope. Nuh-uh.

HOTARU: Well if it means anything, she's speaking again. In a bikini.
HARUKA: Yeah, It's been about, oh... 7-8 minutes. ALL SHE SAID WAS "Nihao ma", too. I mean damn. We dont; even get COMPLEX sentences.
HOTARU: I suppose the rule is that for every 8 minutes of self-degradations she gets to make some kind of short utterance.
JEDITE: A trait I find excellent in my women. Although it is perhaps TOO verbose.
HARUKA: Gah she's caressing that giant ball. IS THERE MUCH OF THIS left?
MINAKO: About 25 minutes.
HOTARU: So she may speak all of TWICE again.
JEDITE: A good enough ratio! Women should be seen and not heard!
ELIOS: Man who listens to chicks anyway? What? Stop starin' at me, b[BLEEP]ches!
The hills are alive with the sounds of Sawai Miyuu!

HARUKA: OK this crap just insulting to paying customers. And to humanity in general. She's traipsing though the countryside in a floral print. We get shots of her head poking out from behind trees. Now the thing is, as this shot shows, there are ALL of FOUR trees in the area, all far apart. She is running behind EACH ONE and attempting to "hide" there.
JEDITE: Is she being cute or stupid?
MINAKO: Cutely stupid.
JEDITE: You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Aino?
MINAKO: *glares at Jedite*
Oh my did I scare you~~~?

HOTARU: Am I behind this one? *yawn* Yes. Yesm you are. As you have been with EACH OF THE OTHERS.
JEDITE: My life-force just drips away.
MINAKO: I think this is how she flirts.
HARUKA: They sure do know how to kill time.
XADIUM: Forget time, they know how to kill *me*.
HARUKA: Oh, they've run out of trees, so now she's run up to the camera, ducked and done the head-popping thing again.
MINAKO: So scary.
They can take my clothes but not my dignity! Oh. Nevermind.
JEDITE: She's doing clan of the Cave b'ar.
XADIUM: GOOD GOD THERE ARE STILL 20 MINUTES LEFT
MINAKO: There, there, X-chan.
HOTARU: This is the most boring thing in all of creation.
HARUKA: Yo. X. You ARE PAYING us to watch this s[BLEEP]t, yeah?
XADIUM: Well, erm, no...
HARUKA: *gets the space sword* Then you better gets some money, b[BLEEP]h.
XADIUM: *flees*
Large. Round. Cartiliginous.

HARUKA: Holy crap are those her....
HOTARU: Those are just knees, idiot.
HARUKA: I was gonna say, when did she go the Silicon Momoko route?
MINAKO: Shes' starting to mutter in chinese! Arrgh, it was just two lines again.
HARUKA: But damn she sounded like she snapped
HOTARU: So do you, Haruka-poppa.
HARUKA: Trying to look nekkid in a cave. What would Freud have to say about that?
HOTARU: Something about the womb I'd imagine.
Please, won't you get me out of here!

HARUKA: SHES' GOING FOR THE THROAT!
JEDITE: No she's doing the "nekkid Sailormoon saves the day thing" from Ep 200
HOTARU: They are trying SO hard to be "artistic".
HARUKA: This bit actually works. A little.
I'm not moving till I get some RESPECT!

JEDITE: They just left her on the beach to die
HARUKA: Whoah. She's trying to channel Ayaka Komatsu!
HOTARU: There are points in this video where she does look like her. And that's not a compliment.
HARUKA: We'd describe this but it's more of the same panning shots and ranma music. Geez. If this sounds tedious to you imagine watching it and having to DESCRIBE IT AGAIN.
"My mind... to your mind..."

HARUKA: Whoa they switched to heavy metal and she's trying ot be all sultry-like.
MINAKO: I think I'm going to be sick...
HOTARU: *already there* Kimmochi Warui... Kimmochi Warui... Kimmochi Warui... Kimmochi Warui... Kimmochi Warui...
Danger: This DVD has probably killed all your brain cells.

HARUKA: Oh NOW they break out the danger tape.
ELIOS: Dude how old is this chick?
HOTARU: She was born on October 23rd, 1987. She's 17.
MINAKO: Erk! She was born one day after me, almost 10 years later!
HARUKA: Hey Neko, you ever do any vids like this when you were an idol?
MINAKO: NO!
ELIOS: Man she's too old for me! DAMN!
HARUKA: ...
CHIBIUSA: hshshshshshshshshs dats rite elioz cum 2 mi ...
ELIOS: ^_^
Because temples are great places to practice your slink.

HOTARU: Now she's wearing a qipao and wandering into a temple.
HARUKA: Yeah she needs to atone for this crap. I mean REALLY ATONE.
JEDITE: MORE FOLDING OF THE HANDS With 10 minutes to go. If the formula holds she's due to say something in the next three minutes.
HARUKA: There should be a law against trying ro look seductive AT A TEMPLE
"The love shack is a little ol' place where we can get together... "

HARUKA: What the hell? At this point I'm just counting down the minutes here.
MINAKO: This shack is where they keep her because manager stole her cash.
JEDITE: Aww Paino Music... because it's almost over.
HOTARU: "Piano"
JEDITE: No, "Pain-O". Because I am in PAIN.
"The camera lovingly gazed at its bright, shiny knob..."

HARUKA: They keep showing us the bulb. WHY. And why do they pan around it like that?
ELIOS: Because it looks like a knob.
HOTARU: So?
ELIOS: A man's knob
HOTARU: ARRGH
MINAKO: She hasn't spoken yet.
"That'll be 500 yen, and no talkin'. Talkin's extra."
HARUKA: So she's lounging around, in a bikini, in front of a ghetto shack. Yeah.
MINAKO: The fate of all inferior idols.
JEDITE: "One day, when my career fails, I'll be looking just like this. Come to ________ prefecture. I Will pleasure you."
SHOKKU

HARUKA: *chanting in a cold sweat* 4 minutes man, 4 minutes left ...
JEDITE: Hang in there, man! You can do it!
HARUKA: Yeah, I gots the power. I gots the power. I... WHAT THE F[BLEEP]K does this shot mean?! Is that a circuit breaker she's seducing?
TOMOE: I'LL BREAK YOUR CIRCUITS, BABY!" MUAHAHHAHAAHAHAHA!
The light loves me

HARUKA: Ok this was a well lit shot. That's the best I can say about this whole damn DVD.
JEDITE: Less than 2 minutes...
HOTARU: They're rotating the camera woound her now.
JEDITE: 60 seconds.
TOMOE: SHE'S MOUTHING SOMETHING BUT IT'S SILENT
*SMOOCHIE BOOCHIE*!

JEDITE: Agh! She wants to kiss the audience!
HARUKA: WAIT! NOW THE TITLE MAKES SENNNNNNNSE! "Kiss," get it! 50 minutes of crappy photoshoot video for the BIG PAYOFF!
HOTARU: Bliddful blissful END. Shall we go back and count her lines?
HARUKA: She's had about 4 "lines" since the opening monologue, which had... about 6 lines. So 10 lines in 50 minutes.
JEDITE: If only all women would be that way.
(The women GLARE At him)
HARUKA: Ooh some omake stuff. And compared to the crap we just saw it's cool. She introduces herself and you get to see her act as a person, not a piece of meat.
HOTARU: Here is some behind the scenes footage:
Please try to ignore the breastcamTM

ELIOS: I bet that camera man loves his job, heh
HOTARU: How do you take yourself seriously as a professional taking those kinds of shots?
HARUKA: "Jiggle it a bit more, miss..."
As director, star AND Camerawoman, Miyuu puts a lot on her resume with this outing.

HARUKA: CRPA I knew this was low budget, but... they really corners on this s[BLEEP]t.
MINAKO: X-chan photoshopped that?
XADIUM: I swear to you I did not.
HARUKA: WHERE'S OUR CASH X?
XADIUM: *flees*
Do you like Supermarket?

HARUKA: What's sad is that I find this omake where she's just going round talking to people to be a TON more interesting than the beauty shot crap. They should have at least let Miyuu TALK in the video.
ELIOS: Nobody buys those vids to hear the girls make conversation
HARUKA: Yeah well I ain' t NEVER reviewing another one of these AGAIN.
MINAKO: Unless it's Komatsu!
HARUKA: Huh?
MINAKO: *will have her revenge*
HARUKA: Maybe. We'll see. But I gots no lifeforce left so, that's it. BILL MIYUU FOR THE COMEDY CONCLUSION