Suburban Senshi IRC Chat #910: “It's a bird, It's a Plane, it's OMGWTF”
#910: “It's a bird, It's a Plane, it's OMGWTF ”

[02:59] *** Mon Nov 28 2005 - LOGGING START ***
[02:59] *** Now talking in #suburbansenshi

[03:00] <=^catablanca^=> So I've decided! I'll date again!
[03:00] <// J_Daito //> Except no one CAREs.
[03:01] <@SpeedRcrX> Yeah dude, you'll just end up going after Russian Brides again
[03:01] <=^catablanca^=> Nothing wrong with a distance relationship :P
[03:01] <// J_Daito //> Look you people are always talking about LOVE. Except no one cares about LOVE
[03:02] <=^catablanca^=> Hey, I'm a nice guy! I'd be loyal, and true, and always willing to compromise!
[03:02] <=^catablanca^=> I just want to care about someone and have them care back!
[03:02] <// J_Daito //> Look, that's sweet but I want to talk about Superman.
[03:03] <@SpeedRcrX> What this isn't more of your neitzche s[BLEEP]t is it
[03:03] <// J_Daito //> Not Das Uberman, SUPERman.
[03:04] <=^catablanca^=> I really believe that I can make some girl very happy if they'll give me a chance.
[03:04] <// J_Daito //> Look you'll make ME happy if you just shut up
[03:05] <// J_Daito //> There are no available females here. Especially none that would be interested in you.
[03:05] <// J_Daito //> Now listen

Peters, who hates the classic Superman in every way imaginable, set out to reinvent Superman in the "sex, killing, rock & roll, and whatever movie was a hit last weekend" style that all of his movies are based in. So he hired Jonathan Lemkin to write the script.

[03:07] <=^catablanca^=> Teh heck...
[03:08] <// J_Daito //> We are about to learn the stupidity of the Superman V that never was
[03:08] <=^catablanca^=> But I have a crush on someone and I want to explore it
[03:08] <// J_Daito //> I WILL CRUSH YOU

Lemkin’s draft had Superman dying in battle with Doomsday, but managing to impregnate Lois as he’s dying by way of Immaculate Conception. Lois is killed off later in the story, but not before giving birth to a baby who grows 21 years in three weeks’ time, and takes over as the new Superman and saves the universe from Armageddon

[03:09] <@SpeedRcrX> Lois Lane: The Passion of the Superman
[03:10] <@S.X. Aino> I guess they never read Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex -->
[03:11] <C'est_la_V> Sakura-chan, of course they did, that's why it was an immaculate copulation!!
[03:11] <@S.X. Aino> "conception"
[03:11] <C'est_la_V> That too

. Lemkin’s script—which even he proudly boasted was campy and silly—was scrapped because WB thought it was too similar to Batman Forever

[03:12] <=^catablanca^=> In what part of Batman forever does a woman get immaculately concepted and gives birth ot a child who saves the world?
[03:12] * @spiritflame changes topic to `[03:12] <GERMATOID> RIDDLER WAS THE EMBRYONIC FETUS`
[03:13] <@SpeedRcrX> Dude it was BATMAN. He LOOKS at you, you get pregnant. Even if you're a man. He's THAT DAMN GOOD

Poirier’s script had an angst-ridden Superman visiting a shrink in order to deal with his feelings of being an outsider and a freak by virtue of his alien heritage, ditching his red and blues for a black suit, using Kryptonian martial arts, and being killed by a Doomsday who bled kryptonite, Brainiac, the Silver Banshee, and the Parasite.

[03:14] <// J_Daito //> So he became emo, ripped off the Sporanos, jacked into the Matrix, learned Kung Fu and got killed by a QUADRUPLE TEAM
[03:14] <@SpeedRcrX> Plot a little dense there, buddy?
[03:15] <Mdm_Maestro> Ara, something was dense all right.

First off, [Kevin] Smith was taken aback when Peters asked him, in all sincerity, "‘Kal-El’? Who’s this ‘Kal-El’ guy you keep mentioning in the script?"

[03:15] <@SpeedRcrX> Nick Cage's spawn
[03:16] <FireFly_9> Just some guy. You know.

Peters then told Smith to have Brainiac fight polar bears at the Fortress of Solitude, demanding that the film be wall-to-wall action. Smith thought it was a stupid idea, so Peters said, "Then have Brainiac fight Superman’s bodyguards!" Smith responded, "Why the hell would Superman need bodyguards?" Peters wouldn’t let up, so Smith caved in and had Brainiac fight the polar bears.

[03:17] <@SpeedRcrX> holy s[BLEEP]t dude because Polar Bears are +5 against Braniac oh wait they're not O SHI

Then Peters demanded that Brainiac give Luthor a hostile space dog as a gift, arguing that the movie needed a cuddly Chewbacca character that could be turned into a toy. Then, after watching Chasing Amy, Peters liked the gay black character in the film so much that he ordered Smith to make Brainiac’s robot servant L-Ron gay, asserting that the film needed a gay R2-D2 with attitude.

[03:18] <.`~SugaBB_2999~`.> hay guyz i jast watched palp faction i tink soaparmen needz 2 fite a vallan dat loks like simula L jacksen namd bhadaz materfacker

He also tried to have the Eradicator—now renamed "K" by Burton (to be voiced by Jack Nicholson, who had been previously rumored to play Luthor) and reinvented as a shapeshifting robotic Alfred to Superman’s gadget-dependent Batman (swear to God, I’m not kidding; Burton and Peters’ Superman was to be reliant on Batman-esque Kryptonian gadgets and technology, as reported by Superman CINEMA and—tote around an "Eradicator Stick," because he saw visions of posters and toys based on it.

[03:20] <@SpeedRcrX> Dude so it's Supes with a billy club
[03:20] <// J_Daito //> Truth jsutice and the Abner Louima way
[03:21] <.`~SugaBB_2999~`.> hay bui mi facking eradacater stack
[03:21] <.`~SugaBB_2999~`.> it vabratez
[03:21] <FireFly_9> Chibiusa-chan :P

Burton planned to end the film with Luthor and Brainiac amalgamating to become a single villain called either "Luthinac" or "Lexiac". (The concept art by Pete Von Scholly, shown at the Superman site, depicted "Lexiac" as a gigantic slug-like creature with Luthor’s face.) But the most controversial thing Burton did was brag to a radio news service in Texas during an interview that he intended to play up "Superman’s darker, more murderous side"

[03:22] <@SpeedRcrX> Man cuz Clark MURDERED Ma's Apple pies all the damn time
[03:22] <// J_Daito //> DARKLY even
[03:22] <C'est_la_V> One time I think he kicked a puppy!!

So Burton hired Akiva Goldsman—one of the writers initially considered to replace Kevin Smith—to rewrite Strick’s script. Goldsman’s rewrite was rejected. Then Burton hired Ron Bass to rewrite Goldsman’s rewrite of Strick’s script. Bass’s rewrite was rejected. Then Burton hired Dan Gilroy to rewrite Bass’ rewrite of Goldsman’s rewrite of Strick’s script.

[03:23] <Dr_Xadium> Kind of How Suburban Senshi gets written.
[03:23] <C'est_la_V> "Too many cooks sip the soup??"
[03:24] <=^catablanca^=> "spoil"
[03:24] <@S.X. Aino> "spoil"
[03:24] <FireFly_9> "spoil"
[03:24] <Dr_Xadium> "spoil"
[03:24] <C'est_la_V> OK ALREADY MOH!

1. Krypton doesn’t explode. Instead it’s a Naboo rip-off overrun by robot soldiers, walking war machines, and civil war (can you say, Star Wars: Episode I?). Jor-El is literally the king of Krypton and leader of the Kryptonian Senate (thus Superman is a prince), and he and Lara send Kal-El to Earth because he is "the One" whom a prophecy states will save Krypton from destruction (rip-off of The Matrix). The villains, Jor-El’s evil brother and nephew Kata-Zor and Ty-Zor, take Jor-El prisoner and send probe pods out to find and kill the baby Kal-El. 14 years later, Lara and her shell-less turtle servant Taga (shades of Jar Jar Binks) are found by Ty-Zor, and Lara gets tortured to death.

[03:27] <Crwn_FruT_Gamer> Turtle servant?
[03:27] <@SpeedRcrX> Dude all that f[BLEEP]ked up sht the only thing you see is turtle??

2. Superman’s costume is a living entity housed in a can, and it climbs onto him when he needs it.

[03:28] <@S.X. Aino> Venom
[03:28] <H3LLi05> Carnage, Yo
[03:28] <C'est_la_V> A tiny Midget??
[03:28] <@S.X. Aino> :O

3. Lex Luthor is an evil CIA agent obsessed with UFO phenomena. When Superman reveals himself to the world, Luthor demands that the government allow him to hunt Superman down and kill him. The government refuses, so Luthor allies himself with the evil Kryptonians out to kill Kal-El…because Luthor himself is an evil Kryptonian, working undercover as a human to set up an invasion of Earth!

[03:29] <@SpeedRcrX> Hi My name is Lex, I;m an evil CIA Alien, wanna go out?
[03:29] <// J_Daito //> Did I mention I was evil?

An aerial kung-fu fight between Superman and Ty-Zor results in Superman being lured into a trap: Lois is drowning in a tank filled with kryptonite. (This begs the question of how there can be kryptonite when Krypton didn’t even explode, but….) Superman is given a choice: save her and die from radiation poisoning in the act, or stand by and watch her drown. So he goes in, saves her, and dies. Jor-El magically senses Superman’s death from across the galaxy, commits hara-kiri with a rock he sharpens in his prison cell, goes to Heaven, and talks Superman into coming back to life so he can fulfill the prophecy of saving Krypton from its civil war

[03:30] <@SpeedRcrX> Ok any s[BLEEP]t that starts with an aerial fight with TY ZOR
[03:30] <FireFly_9> That sounds like a bad Power Ranger villain. Or Mecha.
[03:31] <.`~SugaBB_2999~`.> damn iwash i cul kal myslaf geew 2 havan an tlak back ppl 2 lif
[03:31] <// J_Daito //> Well you talk us to DEATH does that count
[03:31] <.`~SugaBB_2999~`.> ..|..

The only thing that changed was Luthor, according to the now-defunct Last Son of Krypton website on 2/04/03; instead of being a Kryptonian masquerading as a human CIA agent, the December 2002 draft of the script (most likely the 3rd draft, as Abrams was working on the 2nd draft when the script was leaked to AICN) featured Ol’ Baldy as a failed shoe salesman who’s granted super-intelligence—and loses all his hair—when he’s possessed by the spirit of a dead Kryptonian.

[03:32] <@SpeedRcrX> the HELL is their obsession with making Luthor tied to Krypton?
[03:33] <@SpeedRcrX> Why can't he just be a super smart pissed off businessman?
[03:33] <// J_Daito //> Because Corporate America doesn't like to see itself mirrored on the big screen

(Some bizarre hearsay about the script popped up in the Talkbacks at AICN in early February 2003. A Talkback member known as "NeofromtheMatrix" claimed that he’d found out what Abrams’ final draft script entailed. According to this guy, Luthor had been changed yet again, this time into a Sauron-like leader of the Brotherhood of the Illuminati whose plans for world domination are disrupted by Superman’s arrival. So he and his followers use an ancient satanic ritual to create kryptonite, a force of pure evil—represented by its green glow—to counter the pure good of Superman.

[03:34] <// J_Daito //> A five year old could do better. Without trying.
[03:35] <FireFly_9> But isn't this a hearsay rumour?
[03:35] <@S.X. Aino> After seeing the other ideas, I believe it.

oth The New York Post and Access Hollywood reported that WB sent N Sync frontman Justin Timberlake a copy of Abrams’ script in the hopes of persuading him to play the newly gay Jimmy Olsen.

[03:36] <@SpeedRcrX> NEWLY GAY! With lemon scent!
[03:38] <.`~SugaBB_2999~`.> "an jammy loked 2 saoparmen, at da rad tites dat he wroro, an sied. he'd navar notaced da skan tite spundex befire, hoe it stratched, staninng aganst da prassure of supez mity weng. 'O mi gid,' jammy gisped, loking at has weenar. 'truli u r da soaper men'"
[03:38] <FireFly_9> ..................
[03:38] <H3LLi05> That was f[BLEEP]ked up, yo
[03:38] <@SpeedRcrX> Chibi don't ever write again.
[03:40] <// J_Daito //> That's enough, you get the point of all this, the thing mocks itself.
[03:40] <// J_Daito //> If you want to read it all -->
[03:40] <=^catablanca^=> I want to talk about my mew direction in life and my hopes for the future
[03:41] <// J_Daito //> What part of no did you not get
[03:41] <=^catablanca^=> But I'm really excited and
[03:41] <@SpeedRcrX> Push the button, rei
[03:41] *** Disconnected
[03:41] *** Mon Nov 28 2005 - LOGGING END ***