yeah the new suits will have bike ports on them

"Bike ports" eh? Since Japanese road laws prohibit them from ridding bikes they can just "ride" each other and truly become the Kamen "Rider".

...

I could live with that...

ugh you people

You know every time I hear about Netflix' "Squid Game" all I can think about is that scene in Tampopo where the guy has a squid in a glass jar and then puts it in--

just stop right here

...disgusting

What a way to mark 20 years... 20 YEARS of us hanging out here on this site.

That's two decades

...I wouldn't have guessed, Haruka-poppa. Now, like Snorlax in the Pokedex, you will finally have been able to stand up.

i tink dat onli tok snoarlex 15 yars

We weren't even 20 when we all first met back when The Dark Kingdom attacked...

I was over 20

YOU DON'T COUNT!!

I WAS OVER 20 TOO

Stop Messing with the point!!

I was.. oh, you know what, f[BLEEP]k all of you

Y so Serious

A pretty neat way to mark the anniversary is that a huge piece of Sailor Moon history was found by Ray Mona... the Saban Moon pilot episode

It starts 1 hour 46 minutes into the video

They put a lot of work into that documentary, dear, why encourage people to skip past all of it?

I didn't encourage anything :P I just like to cut to the chase

So basically, for the 25th anniversary I'm hearing that we should make the occasion in pure Suburban Senshi style, with an MST....

We should do both an MST and a movie review of it.

So taking a look the actual pilot is only 10 minutes long

Gotta leave room for the commercials, yo

Yo they're starting out the music wit da in' bars from Hybrid's Dawn of the War yo

This was 1994 there's no way that music's that old

"Eve of the War."

Whatever yo it's the same

Here we go~

So there's a long intro narration here over planets. You'd think you were watching Lynch's Dune or something.

Interestingly they make a point of noting that Beryl took over the outer planets and stole their "jewels of power." Good jorb

...

...

...

...Talisman?

LET'S NOT START THAT AGAIN

And they're called "Princess Warriors."

I'll take that over "Pretty Guardians" any day.

Agreed, especially since "Pretty" is such a terrible misnomer for you, Ten'ou

That's right! I'm more suave than pretty!

"Queen Beryl must defeat the remaining Princess Warriors and obtain the remaining Jewels of Power..." Gotta catch 'em all, I guess yo.

God we're still on the opening narration with nothing happening on screen. Interestingly the inner planets formed an alliance to stop Beryl, making the moon their capital. That actually makes sense as it's sort of neutral territory.

"To affirm the new confederation"... oh no.

With a rebel yell?

No just... no

Wait. It goes on to say that to affirm this new treaty between Venus, Earth, Mars, Mercury and Jupiter, Queen Serenity [of the moon????] gave her daughter to be wed to Darien of Earth. How does this tie any of the other planets together?

A SECRET FIVE WAY?

<_< *wipes off a nosebleed*

Someone saw Sailor and the Seven Balls I see

<-- IS A MAN OF CULTURE

I ADMIT NOTH-- oh

Okay the ceremony's starting and we finally have visuals

Moon looks high AF right now

WTF?! Mars looks like she came out of some late-night Cartoon Network sketch show!!

Oh look it's Sailor Merida... I mean mercury

That sanctimonious smirk is sure on point though

You just envy her self-confidence and poise.

ZOMG the camera just whip pans and the narrator afterthoughts Venus and Jupiter

Why does Jupiter have my hairstyle.

...what the hell did they do to my hair...

And now we get to the happy couple who look like they are going to play a game of pattycake. How salacious. It's even more lewd than holding hands.

Those big, lavender patty-cake hands...

Even here he likes the purple

They're even getting participation trophies. How sweet.

Why does Darien look like Ted Raimi here

And why is he biting his lip like that...

mmm yas dadi yasss pthbhbthpbththhhh

ewww

Dude must really like Roses, yo.

Queen Serenity what are you wearing

It's like something out of Galaxy Express 1999

"999"

DON'T you CORRECT me AINO MINAKO

Mercury what

She's a cripple

Fools that is obviously a highly-mechanized battle chariot.

LOL WTF Beryl has a battleship and it has the same boomerang thing she had stuck to her head

Don't mock the Boomerang.She used it to great effect to torment us and of course we could never seize it from her because it would always return to her.

Well she's sure vamping it up

Is this supposed to be Super Beryl's metallia-infused form?

Yes it's all in the fabulous eyeliner.

THE SHIP IS GIVING BIRTH THROUGH ITS MOUTH LIKE SOME SPECIES OF FISH APPEAR TO!

It really looks like some kind of avant-garde Cirque de Soliel performance.

One motherf[BLEEP]ker's always got to try and be different.

Blue / Grey / Red Color scheme? That motherf[BLEEP]ker is you, Jed!

...you go straight to hell Ten'ou

They sure are taking this "Sailor" thing literally

...why do the inner senshi get cool gimmicks like flying spacecraft?

You all had helicopters. Personal Helicopters. Personal.

BUT OUR HELICOPTERS COULDN'T FLY THROUGH SPACE

Oh my god it's Red Battler / Rhett Butler Youma

Why does he look familiar...

Because he's one of the guys Luna cheated on you with, Artemis...

OH GOD I'D BLOCKED THE MEMORY. WHY.... WHYYYYYYYYY

...he has a GUN

..That there is some furry's powerful erotic dream imagery right there

....

NO MOTOKI! REMEMBER THE REVELATION. HUMANS ARE ANIMALS TOO

SAY IT WITH ME

Humans are animals too...

That's right... that's right!

They accurately captured the angst of my inner soul

So they just told "Darien" to go save the Space Galleon with all their families on board. This will end well I'm sure

Oh hey they're handing Moon the POWERFUL CRYSTAL

That is some powerful sag

Looks like Artemis got a glow up...

am I a Maine Coon?

Hate to tell you buddy... but that's Luna.

WHAT THE F[BLEEP]K SHE STOLE MY HEART THEN MY MONEY FOR CHILD SUPPORT NOW SHE STEALS MY LOOKS?!!?!

SHE'S A F[BLEEP]KING DEMONESS

Don't overreact

...I... oh... oh dear.

This whole art style is very Filmation. It could fit right in with He-Man or She-Ra.

I hate that Mercury gets her own special chair

Wow didn't know you were ableist, Aino

IT'S GOT A VISOR AND EVERYTHING IT'S NOT A WHEELCHAIR. WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE HAVE TO STAND AND SHE CAN SIT DOWN

That's not... I'm sure she would love to stand

WHY WOULD YOU LOVE TO STAND WHEN YOU CAN SIT DOWN, HAVE A PERSONAL SPACE SHIELD AND FIRE LASERS FROM YOUR SHIP SURFBOARD THING

She has a point

Don't you start. Haruka-poppa

And Darien's mission ended as we knew it would. In flames.

And tears. Flames and tears.

Oh god this... this "fashion". What is it, Space Renn-faire?

Is this... is this the reason why she's evil because when she was a tiny blue demon-child dressed up in fluffy shoulder-winged medieval vests complete with her hair done up like goat horns no one had the balls to tell her she looked stupid out of some misguided sense of gentle kindness and as a result she paraded herself everywhere strutting like the c[BLEEP]k of the walk and then there was a lot of giggling and snide comments about her looks by the cruel kids in the back and then someone finally told her the truth and the shame and rage of it all collapsed her into a dark ball of bile and hatred and she just snapped and decided to end everything

sure why not

So now they're going "through the vortex and beyond oblivion"...

...in other words, to Earth.

Yeah I feel that way about Earth a lot lately too

Wait

So... is our Earth the same as their Earth, or an AU, or what...

Serena Victoria has no time for these questions. For she must par-tay.

What even is happening right now

trying to undress / so hard; gravity flings / self-tacking schoolgirl

Per the lyrics of the insert song "[Sailor Moon]'s got a life in the sky and another here on Earth."

That clarifies exactly nothing?

The only queen here...

.............

The lyrics to the insert song call them "Princess fighters" now not "Princess Warriors".

Well it's so they can have their own special club they can never talk about with outsiders.

This montage is so painfully 90s. It's cringe, but I have to think some children would have been hypnotized

can confirm (was hypnotizing children all through the 90s)

They weren't hypnotized just dumbstruck by how stupid you looked man

Don't be jealous because these days the only looks you get are ones of pity

ow barrrn ror

That's not true! Tell them, Michi!

...

TELL THEM

...well at least you get looks dear. Not like Setsuna, who doesn't even have a name.

RRRAFHGHGATGARgaoagrhoaguogrgqDW8OEFP

ANYWAY getting back to the show I gotta say their toy game is on point

$100 FROM PREMIUM BANDAI

No it has a light-up effect you'll need to add another 150

Say what you want about the rest of it but I think Moon's boots are way better here.

POWER POSE EVERYONE

That's the "front of a cereal box" pose

...god look at mercury in her space chariot...

Do you like... kick people with crutches, Mina? This is a new, disturbing side of your personality. Do you envy people on Rascal scooters?

SHE'S GOT A FLYING THRONE!!!!

:3

Why does this bother you so much??

WHERE IS MY STUFF? MY HAIR ISN'T RIGHT. I HAVE NO GUARDIAN CAT. BUT SHE GETS A THRONE

Wait... you miss me there?

OF COURSE I MISS YOU, YOU STUPID OLD MAN

T_____________________T

So they are "sailing to the planet Jupiter."

God they took the title so literally.

Well step back for a minute. Taking this on its own without reference to the original source material, isn't it an appealing, almost Jules Verne-like idea? Imagine just hopping on your special little sailing ship and taking to the stars... it's romantic in a way...

...and Mercury flies in her CHARIOT because she's so much BETTER than everyone

...she literally can't use her legs

All I'm saying is... the rest of us could have had space chariots too.

I'll break your legs if you want

Wait so they're sailing back through the vortex... to what, Alternate Jupiter? Are these sailors basically shacking up in an alternate universe until they need to jump back out and fight in their home universe?

That's actually a pretty rad concept

So they made it to Jupiter and moon looks pissed. She looks here like the typical 90's Nickelodeon Rugrats angry mom

Fight time is nao

Oh s[BLEEP]t

It's the guy from the "narrows it down" meme

Wait Mercury's space chariot has a SPIKE on the end of it

SEE! Look how tricked-up it is!

"out"

All the better to impale people who complain about its design...

<_<

LOL Mecury is so done with Venus here...

"oh no my fancy chariot"

Okay Mina you are going in TIME OUT

Meanwhile Moon is over here shooting laser beams out of her hands and looking thrilled at the idea. Which, to be totally fair, I would be too.

And just like you, dear, she had a little too much to drink and threw it back up spectacularly.

uau dey upgraydad da spirkling joose

LOOK EVERYONE, IT'S CONSTIPATED TUXEDO MASK

I just noticed... where the hell is his hat

...Why is SailorMoon getting ready to do a "Love-Me-chain" attack?!!?

WHY DOES SHE KEEP ROBBING ME

IN CRYSTAL SHE KILLED BERYL INSTEAD OF ME

WHY

WHY

T____________

MINAKO YOU'RE IN TIME OUT

WHO IS THE DUDE WITH THE ROSES THAT LOOK JUST LIKE THE ONE PURPLE PATTY CAKE HANDS DARIEN USED TO HAVE? I DON'T KNOW I JUST DON'T KNOW IT IS THE INFINITE PUZZLE

My face after having watched this

So how do we rate it?

Plot - it was an internal pilot, so pretty thin, but also exactly enough to describe the concept, and pretty much on par with 90's cartoons of the day. I'll give it 2/2 dragonballs.

Visuals - It was pretty cheap even for the time, I'd say 1 out of 2 dragonballs.

Music, very basic. 1 out of 2.

Yes but you need to think of it as an intentionally unpolished product. They couldn't spend a lot of money on it, and the live-action melding was interesting. It certainly lived up to 90's expectations. I will give it the full dragonball for overall feeling. Plus, we should feel privileged we are even able to see this almost three decades later.

*counts it up* so there we have it... after 27 years... Saban Moon... the Suburban Senshi rating...

And after Twenty years, we want to thank whoever's left reading our stuff! I know it's been a lot of dry spells... but we're still out there lurking... thinking... plotting and planning...

SUBURBAN SENSHI: WE'RE OLDER, BUT WE'RE NOT DEAD...YET! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!