Suburban Senshi IRC Chat #1031: “Infinite Crisis: Prelude”
#1031: “Infinite Crisis: Prelude”


The Multiverse.

To an observer looking down upon it, it resembled a trillion trillion trillion soap bubbles shimmering against the light, constantly frothing and subdividing, spreading out, ever growing as every decision ever made by anyone anywhere increased its size and complexity, every new action spawning a billion new words of potential alternative outcomes.

For over ten billion years this process of growth had been occuring. Until now.

The multiverse was contracting. At first the process had been slight, and barely perceptible to It Which Watched. But the bubbles, so usually dividing, were recombining. At first slowly, but now with a rapid pace. Realities were colliding, merging, or just popping out of existence.

The chaos of the last 10 billion years had finally strained things to their physical limit. Now it was Order's turn, all of creation rebelling against the pressure, pruning, simplifying, reducing things down to a simpler state of being. That, however, did not mean things would happen smoothly, or peacefully. Far From it. Everywhere, turmoil had been unleashed. The hidden fears, desires and wants of all sentient life had begun to bubble to the surface, driving forward change. It was an instinct not far removed from that of salmon struggling to spawn uphill. Those in power, or in the right place at the right time, had simply begun to act. In any other time, in any other place, they would have questioned their actions, looked before they leaped... but not now, not when the drive towards homeostasis of creation was pushing them forward. For it was not the time of Reason any longer. It was the Age of Crisis.

Take our universe.

Setsuna Meioh, becoming sick of it all, throwing her Garnet Orb into the Time Gate and smashing it open, fusing 31st Century Tokyo with it's 1000 year younger counterpart.

Aino Minako, not thinking properly, firing a powerful meson beam at Galaxy Cauldron, hoping to get her husband back.

hino, detonating powerful energy over the Earth 65 million years ago.

Hino Rei, giving into her desire to run things The Way She Knew They Should Be Run, and staging a military coup on the Capitol

Mizuno Ami, tired of living with the title of "Weakest Senshi", trying to take the Imperial Capitol by force.

Elios, wanting to start a Hip Hop Empire.

Chibiusa, deciding it was time for herself to come into power and damn the consequences

Jedite, fulfilling his long-standing dream of Empire from 10,000 years ago.

Professor Tomoe, bored and looking for something fun to do.

Now, someone watching events on Earth of this time might say, "Why here? What's so special about THIS planet of all planets?" To that let me say this. Everyone knows Metallia, Wiseman, Mistress 9, Neherenia and Galaxia were agents or avatars of Chaos. They fulfilled a needed role in the balance of the universe. But what was _their_ balance? The force of order, of light. And who were the agents of light? The Sailor Senshi and friends, along with Usagi, the very avatar of Light herself. What do you think gives the Ginzuishou its fantastic power? The very force that opposes Chaos. The Light of Order.

So yes, there was madness all over the universe. The Rann-Thanagar war. Daleks vs. Time Lords. Eddorians vs Arisians. Undertaker vs. Kane. But it was here, on Earth, the fragile world held together by the dreams of a mentally deficient but pure-hearted clutzy girl named Usagi where everything would change forever.

For there were two major crises facing Earth in the beginning years of the 21st Century. One was the local concern of saving the Earth by stabilizing Usagi's wish and hope for it to survive, by preserving her body from the sword of Galaxia. The other was to stabilize the universe so that Earth would have someplace to live. And for that, the one being least unchanged through the four major timelines would be needed. Artemis the cat.

"Say WHAT?!" Artemis exclaimed in a panic, hearing the narrator.

You cannot hear me.

"The hell I can't!" Artemis protested, perched on some rubble in the midst of the remains of Ten' Aino house, which had been brought down by a psychotic android that looked like blue-haired Sakura in a Gothic Lolita Dress*

* See Android "April" from Coyote Ragtime Show.


"So who are you?" Artemis asked, looking around, confused.

That Which Watches.

"Ooohkay..." the cat sighed. He'd seen enough wierdness the last few days. "So why do you need me?"

"Because," Haruka said, getting up, her eyes strangely glowing with the power of the Glow, "There are four universes, right, and you're the one who's least changed in them all."

"Haruka?" Artemis asked, confused. Unlike everyone else, Haruka had chosen to ignore the goings on, figuring that things would take care of themselves. Even as the house had exploded around her, she had sat in her comfy sofa watching Wrestling and drinking beer.

"Don't ask me how I know this s[BLEEP]t," Haruka explained, idly waving an unfinished copy of the Suburban Senshi World Guide around. "But there's like four main universes. Like, to make it simple, lets call one 'Manga', one 'Anime', one 'Live Action' and one 'Reality Prime' which is ours."

Artemis sat down on his haunches, just looking and blinking.

Haruka continued on, idly sipping her beer. "Reality Prime here seems to have events from all three other universes all smooshed together. So everyone here has like, for lack of a better word, 'the taint' of the other universes f[BLEEP]ing up their aura. That's why they're doing stupid s[BLEEP]t, because they're being pushed and pulled along with the rest of the universe."

Artemis nodded, watching some Mandroids get diced to pieces by Daimon-Youma, then the victors being shredded by vulcan cannons mounted on Mizunomics Gundams, then those Gundams being shot to pieces by Martian warships.

"But, what can we do?" Artemis asked. "And why am I special?"

"Because the worst change that ever happened to you was that you became a plushie," Haruka continued, flipping through the book, reading. "Everyone except Luna and you had their names changed. Luna became a Pedo Plush in Live Action-verse. A little human girl with a messed up personality."

"That happened here too, after Usagi hit her with the Ginzuishou by mistake trying to hit Setsuna." Artemis nodded. "But I was a plush too?"

"Out of everybody, your personality stayed the same mostly," Haruka continued. "So you're the key to stabilizing everything, even if you did have the voice of Inu-Yasha that one time."

"Oh GOD a DOG..." Artemis shuddered. "But wait, why are YOU not affected?"

"Because I'm a lazy motherf[BLEEP]er who can't be bothered with s[BLEEP]t in my retirement. Ambition is Zero. I got my beer, my TV and my woman. What the f[BLEEP]k more do I need?"

"To marry that woman?" Artemis asked dimly, echoing the sentiments of, like, every Suburban Senshi fan Ever.

"F[BLEEP]k off", Haruka replied, paling significantly. "Just, like, come with me so we can umm..." She looked through the book again. "Harmonize the divergent potentialities into a coherent vibratory wholistic integration matri--"

Haruka threw down the book and pointed to the heavens. "What the f[BLEEP]k is this technobabble bulls[BLEEP]t?!"

A booming voice answered "Just throw the damn cat at them."

"GAH!" Artemis yelped.