Jan 03 2009
Meditations on Stress
It's been said to me that I am not handling my stress as well as I should; that I should present a smiling face to the world despite my troubles.
Perhaps. But I have been lending my thoughts towards the precise question of Why I cannot handle my stress any longer, when previously I had been so easily able to do so with the slightest distraction, such a good book or a new lamp.
I blame work for this. Previously, due to my fortunate circumstances, I never had to work. Thus there was little pressure on me. Little stress. The odd familial blowup, but that was easily solved by merely staying in my corner and locking the door. Eventually they would get bored and settle down, and things would be back to normal.
There was also the comfort of having others around, and not having to deal with the minutae of daily survival. There was no budget, no need to go out to shop, do laundry, etc. It was all handled for me by
Michiru-momma and Setsuna-momma.
But now, everyone is so busy that when I come home from work, physically and mentally exhausted, I have no one to interact with-- not really. And I have to take care of everything myself.
Now I'm sure most of you will remonstrate that this is "real life" and I need to deal with it like everyone else does. I know this. And I am trying.
I'm beyond expecting others to come to my aid, or to take time out to spend time with me. I've rather accepted it's an impermissible imposition on my part, and also an unrealistic expectation. People have better things to do than spend time on me
. It's a harsh cut I give myself, but necessary if I am to focus on how to hold onto my happiness all by myself.
For a brief while it had seemed like I would be able to have nakama
, something I've always wanted. But, for whatever reason, I am, again, more or less cut off. My feelings and opinions are considered a lousy way of handling matters.
The issue for me is tiredness, now. I no longer have the "genki", as Minako-sempai does, to run around with a smiley face on and put my energy into a system that basically sees me off in the corner anyway while everyone else parties on. Nor do I have anything to offer solace, or relief. The most I can do is defer my boredom for the scant few hours it takes me to sleep, then I get up and report to my job, so I can earn enough to keep myself alive to do it all over again.
Even my precious weekends are unfulfilled voids. All I see is their end, when I have to go back to my drudgery. I do not enjoy
like I used to.
At times like this, all I want to do is sleep, and dream. But even my dreams are pedestrian little things.
And of course, no one else wants to hear this, because my private little hell is nothing compared to theirs. But this isn't a contest of measurables. One's hell, no matter how small it may seem to another, can be just as wounding, just as potent as another's.
I shall survive, of course-- I always do. Despite what some might think of the "depressed goth", I actually value my life and cherish my friends, as distant as they may get sometimes.
I just don't know how the average person deals with it. I suppose they go out and socialize. I actually tried that, but no one wants to socialize with me, for various reasons. Either I'm too boring, or too hard to reach, or too "emo." Or, generally, not interesting enough anymore.
It's cold out and treacherously icy, so walking and physical activity is out of the question.
Movies and TV just serve to while the time away until I have to go back to work.
So what can I do?
Tell me how I can smile again, and mean it.
Because I can't see it.