Tomoe Hotaru's Frightful Night before Christman
Bleh, it's not very good, but what do you expect, Jedite is involved. I hate Holidays. That is all. -- H. Tomoe.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (because Artemis had slaughtered them all in grief-stricken rage);
The stockings were hung by the chimney with fear,
In the knowledge that Jedite soon would be there;
The others were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of nude Haruka singing chistmas carols in the snow danced in their traumatized little heads;
And Minako-sempai in her 'kerchief, and Xadium-san in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's... ahem, "nap".
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see if my car had been savagely attacked again by the neighborhood mad batter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up all over the the sash (I do so hate egg nog).
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny overloaded and half-dead reindeer,
With a lanky lean driver, so twisted and sick,
I knew in a moment it must be Jedite dressed as St. Nick.
More rapid than post office eagles his cursed and they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and berated them by name;
"Now, STEROID DASHER! now, STRP CLUB DANCER! now, PONCY PRANCER and SEXY STREET VIXEN!
On, COMET CLEANSER! on CUPID CUCKOLDER! on, DONDERING MORON and BLITZKRIEG BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now smash away! smash away! smash away all!"
As those who gaze upon drunken Haruka-poppa fly,
And when they meet with her angered fist, take to the sky,
So up to the house-top the rabid reindeer they flew,
With the sleigh full of "toys", and the demented Jedite too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The smashing and stamping of each little brass-knuckled hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Jedite came, along with a hell-hound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
He had skinned many baby seals for his clothes, all covered in ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedophile just pondering his sack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like withered roses, his nose red like a drunk's after too much sherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was all covered with dastardly mistleoe;
The stump of a rabbit's foreleg he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke from its burning corpse encircled his head like a wreath;
He held it by the face and pointed to its little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of brains and gelatin jelly.
He was a a grubby old grump, a right scary old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know the true meaming of dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And stripped down to his stockings; then turned into a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his bearded mistletoe,
He gave me a nod, and up he rose;
When I got my glaive, he sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all threw down with me, with hits like the down of a thistle.
As I cursed him I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"CRAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD FRIGHT!"