SUBURBAN SENSHI YEAR NINE:
By Dr. Xadium, 10/1/2011
DECISION POINT #2
Continuation of Part One
SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE OF TIME AND SPACE
"Was it wise, bringing her here?" Optimus Prime asked, the giant Autobot asked, looking down at the humanoid sitting next to him, who was dwarfed in his
"The Council of Bhad'Az must have answers, Optimus," Mace "Motherf[BLEEP]in'" Windu replied, looking up and meeting the giant robot's gaze.
"Yess, answers we must have," the Force ghost of Yoda echoed, appearing suddenly on Windu's shoulder.
Windu's eyes bugged out as he turned to see the wizened Jedi Master sitting comfortably-as-you-please on his shoulder, smoking some translucent Dagobah Green.
"How many GOD DAMN times have I TOLD you not to f[BLEEP]ing repeat every motherf[BLEEP]ing word I GOD DAMN say!?" Windu exploded, gesticulating wildly with his free, electrum-plated mechanical arm. "Get the f[BLEEP]k off my goddamn shoulder, you green lizard whatever-the-hell-you-are
Yoda shot him the finger and dissolved back into the Force, but not before blowing some Dagobah green into the Jedi Master's face.
One by one, the others on the council, which spanned Time, Space, Elseworlds and Multiverses, looked at each other warily. Aside from Mace Windu and Optimus Prime (the force ghost of Yoda was merely an annoying hanger-on), there was Simon-- the man who would one day lead the denizens of Earth to victory against the nefarious AntiSpiral, Son Goku-- the greatest warrior of the Saiyajin and human race, Xena--- a fearsome warrior Princess from days long past, Monkey D. Luffy-- the boy whose hope, loyalty and strength changed the face of the world forever, Samus Aran-- famed intergalactic Bounty Hunter, Abslom Daak-- the man who, armed with nothing but a chainsword, decimated the ranks of the Dalek Empire, Major Motoko Kusanagi-- the most feared information specialist and computer hacker in history, and The Funk Soul Brother-- a fearsome afro samurai from Earth 1973c who had forsaken the way of battle to become the most powerful martial arts instructor in the multiverse. All of them, to a one, looked at the one empty chair at their council table. The chair usually occupied by their final member, the one they had summoned before them to demand answers. The chair belonging to hino rei.bot.
rei.bot watched her counterparts with mild amusement. It was rare that the council would call one of their own before them to answer for their actions, but summon her they had, and answer she must. She allowed herself a small blush as she looked at The Funk Soul Brother, the only person on the council who had ever fought her to a dead standstill amidst the burning funeral pyre of an entire universe.
"You ask her," Windu whispered to The Funk Soul Brother, nudging him with his elbow. "She digs you."
"You crazy, you jive Jedi turkey!?" The Funk soul brother replied. "You're the baddest of the bad asses on this council, you ask her!"
"I prefer my head to remain attached to my neck," Windu replied flatly, as the Force Ghost of Yoda appeared behind him, making mocking chicken noises. Windu browtwitched, and swiped at the ghost with his lightsabre, blurting out "GOD DAMMIT MASTER YODA QUIT THAT S[BLEEP]IT!"
Yoda dispersed and reformed on top of Optimus Prime, chuckling and smoking his "cigar".
Optimus sighed. "I'll ask, as I can easily be revived if she doesn't take it well."
"How many times *have* you died, anyway?" Xena asked tiredly. She'd died exactly once, before she'd tired of Hades and just fought her way out.
Optimus just ignored the question. "rei.bot, I'm sure you know why you've been called before us." He pointed to the hole in reality she had caused by punching straight through it. "Even now, we're being observed by.... *them*."
"Multiversal breach is a serious crime," Master Windu intoned. "We--"
Windu abruptly stopped talking as rei.bot started forward a little. He gripped his lightsabre, geting ready to ignite it, muttering "shitshitshit" under his breath. He did NOT want to fight her, even though in all reality he could probably go toe-to-toe for a good while.
For her part, rei.bot simply pulled a remote control out of her kimono and aimed it at the viewscreen in the council chambers. "observe," she said flatly, with an air that brooked no dissent.
On the screen was grainy footage from a Latvarian broadcast. Men in hoods and ill-fitting skiwear were holding Ginga TV reporter / producer Karasuma Akane hostage.
One of the men, a tall, thick, muscled brute, shoved Karasuma forward, yelling into the camera "IF WE DO NOT GET OUR DEMANDS! THIS JAPANESE [BLEEP] WILL HAVE HER HEAD CUT OFF!"
Another man nodded, brandishing the blade right next to Karasuma's neck, and punching her in the gut, knocking her sunglasses off as she jerked forward.
"TELL THEM WHAT WE WANT!" the man screamed in Karasuma's face, sending spittle all over it.
Karasuma coughed, and grinned slightly. "They want... to get their asses beat".
The men looked at her oddly. This was not what they expected their hostage to say. The next instant, there was a flash of ruddy red light, and the screen filled with static. All that could be heard were the unholy screams of grown men undergoing emergency gender reassignment, some automatic weapons fire, the sound of bones crunching, and whimpering crying for mothers.
When the picture stabilized, Sailor Lead Crow stood before the camera, kicking something on the ground violently for a moment before giving it in the finger. She looked into the camera and addressed the world. "Karasuma Akane's just fine. And for the thugs of the world, this message: The Sailor Senshi won't stand for your bull[BLEEP]it!"
The council members looked at each other curiously even as Monkey D. Luffy punched the air and let loose a "YEAAAAH!"
"I do not understand," Master Windu intoned. "It seems she has matters well in hand. I do not see how this pertains--"
rei.bot gave him a "shut up and keep looking" death glare, and the Jedi Master complied.
The picture on screen zoomed out to show the image being displayed on another TV, with other people watching it, one of which had long blonde hair tied up in meatball-topped twintails.
"Is that one of the animamates?!" the Blonde screeched. "Is that Lead Crow!? I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD!!!"
"She escaped the black hole at the same time you did, thanks to Chibi-Chibi," the other watcher, a green-haired woman with a tan complexion replied. "She decided to go back to being a reporter and fighting for justice like she used to before Galaxia forced her to serve as an Animamate."
"People are cheering her!" the blonde screeched. "THEY SHOULD BE CHEERING ME! THEIR QUEEN!!!" She shook her fist into the air angrily.
"What are you going to do about it, Usagi-chan?" the woman egged her on. "I mean you ARE the one and only Sailor Moon. You've sacrificed yourself for the world so many times, and who cheers you?"
"I KNOW, RIGHT?!" Usagi screeched, crying. "SETSUNA-SAAAAAN!" She collapsed into the older woman's arms, whined for a few minutes and then straightened up. "They need to be taught a lesson in manners!"
Pulling out the silver crystal, Usagi shot the TV and it switched to a showing of the Toei Sailor Moon
anime. She hummed along with the theme song, reliving the glory days.
"I love them all," she wept. "Why don't they love me?!!?! LOVE MEEEEE!!!" She turned her eye to the window and looked out at a pedestrian outside, walking her dog. She shot a beam from the silver crystal out the window, and both the pedestrian and the dog flew to the glass, pressing themselves against it, drooling to get a glimpse of their now-beloved princess.
* * *
"This is disturbing," Major Kusanagi commented, watching the scene on the viewer. "That kid's got unlimited power and no discipline. She's also pretty... dim."
"But she's got a good heart!" Luffy protested. "She just needs to be shown what she's doing is wrong!" Goku nodded in agreement.
"She would have been one of us if she hadn't turned out to be batsh[BLEEP]it insane," Windu commented. "It's not her fault though, being forced to fight at such a young age."
"Bullsh[BLEEP]t!" Xena exploded, slamming her fist on the council table. "I started fighting when I was younger than her!"
"And you ended up killing the s[BLEEP]t out of everything that got in your way," Windu countered. "All in the name of defense, then order. This is the same path Tsukino Usagi will walk if something isn't done. You saw what she did to those Nemesis people whens he was still in the 31st century. Brainwashed the choice right out of 'em."
Xena shook her head. "I eventually found the right path. So can she."
"That crystal's the problem," Optimus opined. "Without it she'd have a chance to be a regular girl."
"The thing keeps growing back, though," Kusanagi noted. "She's lost it before. It's part of her body-- it's fused with her soul."
rei.bot nodded. "this is why i opened the path i did; we alone cannot stop her."
Master Windu sighed. "Of all of us, only you are immune to the crystal, but you're forbidden to interfere. So we have to rely on *them*." He looked out though the multiversal crack. "I suppose we have no choice but to authorize this action."
"So say we all," Major Kusanagi concurred. "The Council of Bhad'az will observe the situation and let the... 'Players' handle it."
"And god help their sweet asses if they fail," The Funk Soul Brother sighed.
* * *
A RANDOM BAR IN TOKYO
"It's been a good ride, hasn't it?" Haruka asked tiredly, sliding a beer over to Jedite, while chugging his back.
The Dark General narrowed his eyes and looked over Ten'ou slowly. Ever since Tsukino Usagi had reappeared, and gone on her insane power-mad binge of altering reality with her Silver Crystal,
it was like the fire had gone out of Haruka's eyes. Well-- that plus the fact that she'd turned Ten'ou into a man, who had stupidly decided to try out his new equipment on Kaioh Michiru, who was now
well and truly pregnant.
Jedite had to concede that the idea of Ten'ou as a parent was traumatizing enough to him
, let alone to Ten'ou. But still, the sight before him of a broken, bearded man tenderly nursing Yebisu-- it was pathetic.
"I thought we'd all decided that the plan was to poison Tsukino Usagi with Kaioh's cooking," Jedite said slowly. "What's going on with that?"
Haruka sighed. "The dinner's tonight. But man, you know how this s[BLEEP]t is gonna roll. She'll eat it, and like the mystical super power of that crystal will just protect her, or Mamoru Chiba will come in and kiss her and the POWER OF LURVE will revive her, or some f[BLEEP]ing miracle will transpire at the last second, keeping her alive."
Jedite sighed. As a defeated enemy of Moon's, he knew all too well the power of Shojo tropes. He frowned, silently pondering matters.
THAT NIGHT, AT DINNER
Almost everyone was seated at the table. Haruka at the foot, the grinning Tomoe by his side, Hotaru next to her father in an all-black high chair, Chibiusa moping next to her, head down, Makoto and Minako doing their best to keep Ami from drowning in her soup, and Tsukino Usagi, Meioh Setsuna and Chiba Mamoru sitting by the head of the table. Motoki was doing his best to avoid coyly looking at Artemis, ever-wary of Makoto's vigilant gaze. Artemis, for his part, tried to stay under the table and out of Motoki's like of lecherous sight.
"WHERE'S MY FOOOD!" Usagi bellowed. "YOUR QUEEEN is HUNGRRRRY!!!"
"Coming, your highness," Michiru chimed from the kitchen, with the ultimate in gracious poise. Already, the stank stench of putrid death was wafting its way into the dining room.
It was all Haruka-tachi could do from vomiting themselves to death on the spot.
"Is this wise, My liege?" Setsuna asked Usagi, worriedly, sensing what was going on.
"I'M. HUNGRY!" Usagi shot back, with utter disregard for the smells coming towards her from Michiru and her covered dish. She slammed her knife and fork ont he table with such violence that everything set atop it jumped and clinked.
"Here you are, dear," Michiru said with a smile, placing the meal before Usagi with a genuine pride in her culinary construction. Lifting up the covered plate, she beamed, even as almost everyone else turned a shade of pure green with illness.
Usagi grinned and began shoveling the slimy gruel-like concoction down her throat.
"How do you like the chicken, dear?" Michiru asked. Everyone else just exclaimed "CHICKEN?!" and sweatdropped, unable to see where the mucus-like substance Usagi was gnawing at had any resemblance at all to dead roasted bird.
Usagi swallowed and burped. "It's great!" she beamed, burping. "More!"
"I knew it ," Haruka declared nasally, pinching his nose shut and shaking his head.
"Hmm, maybe it smells worse than it is," Mamoru speculated, and took a spoonful, even as Setsuna waved her hands frantically, trying to stop him.
Mamoru's eyes went wide, and his face became blue. Then the coughing, hacking, and vomiting of blood began in earnest. His head hit the table, and his body began to spasm as his limbs twitched, jerking against the tabletop, knees jumping up and down.
"My king!" Setsuna exclaimed, leaping out of her seat. "We need a doctor! Ami-chan, help!"
Ami looked up and drooled a bit, smiling at the green-haired lady. ".....derp?"
Presently, Mamoru's body went still, and limp. Setsuna flipped him on his back and desperately tried mouth to mouth resuscitation-- a little too enthusastically.
The others watched in horror as the increasingly blue Mamoru lay on the table under Setsuna's amorous ministrations, and Usagi continued to demand more of Michiru's food.
"Is this the power of the Silver Crystal?" Makoto asked Chibiusa, who shook her head, replying "No... this is mama's cast-iron stomach at work."
Eventually, Professor Tomoe tapped Setsuna on the shoulder. "SETSY.... BEFORE IT WAS JUST CREEPY.... NOW IT'S NECROPHILIA."
Setsuna broke the kiss, and looked down at the face of her king... her dead king. Her face froze in an expression of shock and disbelief.
Usagi took a break from eating and noticed Mamoru not moving. She frowned, and poked him with her fork. Still nothing.
"M... mamo-chan?" She asked blankly. No answer.
Her eyes widened. "MAMO-CHAN!" She jabbed him harder with the fork, and then realized this was a bad idea as she tossed the bloodied fork aside.
"Guys you have to help me!" She looked over at everyone at the table. "Mamo-chan's DEAD!"
Everyone looked at her dimly.
"So now you need our help?" Hotaru asked tiredly. "Are we to be your batteries again, for another miracle?"
"No, I need you people to move the body," Usagi explained, shoving Mamoru aside, his body hitting the ground and rolling a bit.
Everyone looked at each other. This was NOT the Usagi they knew. Well, she'd been insane for a while, but this casual disregard for Mamoru? The Love that had lasted through two lifeimes?
"Oh don't look at me like that," she said dismissively. "I'll revive him later. I want him to stay dead for a while and learn his lesson."
"What kind of lesson can he learn if he's *DEAD*?!" Haruka exclaimed.
"Not to try CHEATING ON ME WITH THAT JAILBAIT [EXCHANGE STUDENT SERENA]!!" Usagi yelled. "BEING DEAD WILL TEACH HIM HOW SPECIAL MY LOVING ARMS ARE!"
"You didn't have a problem when he was dating you in High School!!" Minako argued.
"But that was ME!" Usagi screeched. "THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO ME!"
Minako slammed her hands on the dining room table, standing up. Tugging at her dress, she ripped it off in a split secomd, revealing a glittering, sequined presenter's dress underneath. Producing a microphone from seemingly nowhere, she snapped her fingers and four men appeared, erecting large cardboard walls around the table, transforming it into a TV set.
Makoto sweatdropped. "Minako-chan... how did you--"
Minako grinned. "Welcome to Aino Minako-sama's Intervention Crisis Happy fun-time Show!!"
"How the hell can an Intervenion Crisis be happy and fun?" Haruka asked dimly.
Minako cheerfully ignored him and pulled Usagi into the center stage area. "Usagi-chan! You were the leader of the world in the future, and passed out all your friends--"
"Pissed off," Artemis corrected.
"--Whatever," Minako replied dismissively. "Usagi-chan, you drove everyone so crazy they ran back to the past!! Now you're here and making crazy things happen with your crystal!! Why are you so MEAN?!"
"M-mean?" Usagi asked, looking up at Minako with tear-filled eyes. "I just... I've been fighting monsters and youma and cardians and lemureseseses and things and stuff since I was FOURTEEN. They made me RULER OF EARTH--"
Makoto raised her hand. "No, you TOOK that job because you felt you could bring world peace by bringing out the good in everyone with the Silver Crystal... that you could reunit the war-torn Earth!"
Usagi nodded, becoming quiet.
"Everyone was happy until the Nemesis bunch felt you were trampling on their right to self-detemrination and took exile, then the other world goverments got scared of the power you held and walled in Crystal Tokyo as a kind of amusement park..." Artemis recalled.
"...and then you became a jerk," Makoto concluded. "Making us do everything for you ALL THE TIME."
Usagi snatched the Microphone form Minako and shoved her out of the spotlight. "I gave them MY ALL! I did my BEST FOR THEM DEEP FROM MY HEART! And they REJECTED ME!" She pouted her lips and looked up to the sky. "I was their Queen! The one who PROTECTED THEM! And they ABANDONED ME!!!!" She held her hand out to the sky, clutching for her Oscar.
"Well you are being kind of a d[BLEEP]k," Haruka pointed out.
"No, that would be you, now," Jedite interjected, appearing behind him and laughing.
Haruka shot Jedite the finger and looked back at Usagi.
"That's because..." Usagi said under her breath, suddenly calm, cool and collected, "...because I'm tired of being taken for granted. Of being the butt of everyone's jokes. Of being the 'ditzy queen'..."
She pivoted and looked at everyone. "I gave the best years of my life to serve mankind and they just mocked me, made fun of me for not being super smart, or super sexy..."
"...So now you're gunning for revenge?" Hotaru shot back angrily, flailing from her little chair. "I got turned into a ROBOT. I was infected with a DAIMON. I--"
"You blew up the goddamn world." Haruka pointed out, forcing Hotaru to go quiet.
"...AND I SAVED IT AND WHO REMEMBERS THAT?!" Usagi yelled.
"I know what it's like to be unappreciated, dear," Michiru said slowly. "Everyone just calls me an extension of Haruka. They say I have no personality--"
"SHUT UP YOU'RE A FAMOUS ART GENIUS EVERYONE LOVES YOU AND IF YOU WANT A PERSONALITY I'LL GIVE YOU ONE!!" Usagi shot Michiru with the Silver Crystal.
Michiru suddenly had on a t-shirt, old faded jeans, thick rimmed glasses and her hair was mousy and unkempt. "You all suck," Michiru dismissively snorted, pulling out her iPhone and going to recycle some plastic.
"Y-you... turned her into a HIPSTER!" Haruka exclaimed.
Usagi's laughter rang loud and clear through the night.
TO BE CONTINUED