Suburban Senshi Chat #1705 - “Ryan's Awesome Blog DEBUT plus: Hot Dalek Loving [NSFW]”
#1705 “Ryan's Awesome Blog DEBUT plus: Hot Dalek Loving [NSFW]”
Hi folks, I'm Ryan and I'm here to debut a new column at Suburban Senshi: Ryan's Awesome Blog. Maybe you haven't heard of me but I've been hanging around here for a few years and have gone by a variety of aliases such as Bumpkin Sugarpants, Detective Jimmy McAwesome, and Saint Arsehole. I've also been told that I look like Orson Welles when they're incredibly drunk so I have that going for me, too.
Unlike some of my colleagues here, I will not be focusing on eastern entertainment. I know it's weird coming from a guy that's writing something for a anime-themed comedy website but variety is the spice of life! Instead I'll be specializing in presenting various examples of western entertainment; be they from the medium of literature, video games, or film. I'll also have a reoccuring feature focusing on the Star Wars Expanded Universe. I'm a Star Wars fan and I figured, what the hell. Might as well do something with that.
Lastly, even though I have that fancy image warning you in advance, I just want to make something clear. These forth-coming columns and reviews are ultimately just my opinion. If you agree or disagree with me, that's fine. Reviewers are just like the rest of you, people with subjective opinions. If you like something, that's all that should matter to you because no one can take that away.
...I'm making this point because if I ever get the interest in reviewing a copy of Twilight that's collecting dust nearby, I don't want some crazed lunatic trying to kill me.
Until then, here's a quote of the day from Dan Rather, "An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
Note from X: That time is NOW. Coming to you as promised way back in November of *2005* it's a review of the horrible Dalek Porn movie. IT took five years to get this to you, so you better appreciate it. Suburban Senshi [or in this case Ryan]: Watching the bad pr0nz0rz so you don't have to.
Ryan's Awesome Blog Entry 1: Abducted by the
Daleks Daloids Review
Inseminate! Inseminate! Inseminate!
...Had to get that out of the way. It was the sole required joke of the review.
With that said, this wasn't the auspicious first post that I wanted to make but it's the one that you're getting. I had promised Xadium... years ago... that I, along with someone else, would review this for him and he'd feature it on the main page. However, my unnamed partner-in-crime never got around to mustering up the effort. Then I had an unfortunate computer mishap that resulted in a loss of information, including this film.
That's all she wrote... until recently.
With the advent of the newly-created user columns, this gave Xadium an opportunity to endlessly harass me until I finally gave in. The end result is what you're reading now.
So... I just want you to know... this was all for you. All of this. Every waking moment that I suffered through this piece of shit was for you. I didn't want to watch this piece of shit but I did it because of you. Because I care. Therefore, you owe me one. All of of you. Yes, even you.
In the future, if I ever come across you on the street and, after we've confirmed my identity, I ask to borrow fifty dollars, you will do so. If I suddenly appear on your door step with a fifteen-dollar Taiwanese boy whore looking to have a threesome with your significant other... you will relent and maybe watch and film.
This is how much you owe me. Because if there's two things I hold to hold to incredible value in life, it's time and money. Once they're gone, you can never get them back. I'm not the sort to watch horrible films to poke fun of them and to MST3K. I watch to be genuinely entertained. This film fails at this and so much more.
With that said, let's begin the review.
Abducted by the
Daleks Daloids Review
First off, some back story. After being off the air for over sixteen years, the long-running BBC sci-fi television series Doctor Who came back on-air in 2005 to much acclaim and success. In an attempt to horn in on this event, there was an unauthorized pornographic film made initially called Abducted by the Daleks. The BBC naturally took action to prevent sell of this upon discovery but it was leaked online. A few thousand of these got sold under the name of Abducted by the Daleks and later Abducted by the Daloids. See what they did there? Clever aren't they. Unless you want to fork out a pretty penny to see this steaming pile of crap, your best chances is to find this somewhere online. I would recommend against doing so but that's your choice.
THIS. IS. A. SHITTY. MOVIE.
The film starts off with a cheesy voice over that I will now replicate for your reading pleasure:
"Space. Are we alone? Is there someone out there... watching... and waiting?"
For those who are still venturing on this journey with me, allow me to tell you now that was the best delivered line of the entire film. >From here on we will only get horribly acted trite. This is also your first encountered with trademarked music being illegally used. The credits attribute music from bands such as Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, and 100 Strings. Also musical cues were taken from famous films like Godzilla, The Outer Limits, and The Mole People.
Yeah. If any of those people knew, I bet these fucks would have been homeless before long.
The credits run in front of a space background. If you ever wish to know whom you'd want to order a fatwa on... now you know. We switch to four stupid bitches driving down a desolate road and sitting behind a horrible green screen. You know this is going to be torture to get through when within the first two lines you hear a horribly-dubbed voice. I would do my best to summarize what the women are discussing but I can't.
It's due to the horrendous accents that they have. I have to assume that these girls were fresh off the boat from Russia because it can be the only explanation. It's a damn task just to get the gist of their exposition. It's like they got marbles in their mouths... or a dick or two. And one of the girls, as I pointed out, is fucking dubbed.
I have to assume that her performance was so bad, so unintelligible, that they had to get someone else to attempt something even less worse than the original actress. That's fucking saying something... of which you still can't understand because it's so badly dubbed.
From what I gathered, they're discussing some sort of serial killer that's been killing women in the surrounding woods. They go onto describing in details what the killer does. One girl doesn't like it and tells them to stop in a horribly flat voice devoid of any real emotion. Get used to that kids because it's only going to get worse as this continues.
Suddenly they run over an alien! Not a
Dalek Daloid alien but an actual classic-grey alien. As anyone would do, they decide to get out and investigate what happened. Upon investigation they find some weird green blood which promptly freaks out one of the girls. This is also never going to be brought up again. I mean, sure, the upcoming abduction occupies their attention but still! I meant the fact that there's at least two different species of aliens lying about in some woods. What is this, an intergalactic pit stop? This neck of the woods just happens to have at least two intergalactic groups roaming about? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus the stupidity only increases.
They try leave but discovers that the car doesn't want to start. This leads to them making the decision to try to wander through the dark and spooky woods at night. The same woods that supposedly has a serial killer in them.
While copyright infringing music is tracked in the background they move through the woods. Suddenly we discover that the girls are being observed... by the
Daleks Daloids! Their plans are proceeding well! The girls are being led right into their trap! And they plan on capturing them for specimens! ...Wait, what? Here I thought the Daleks Daloids had already encountered humans before. Suddenly they want specimens for whatever reasons? Maybe I'm wrong to want logic in my horrible parody 'porn.' But if I'm wrong then I don't want to be right.
One of the girls gets separated from the pack and she's afraid and cold and blah blah blah. Suddenly she decides to get naked! Why? I have no idea. I guess that's how those Russian immigrants roll. Suddenly getting nude in the cold, dead of night when there's a serial killer wandering around.
Daleks Daloids are of course observing all of this and decides to teleport her to them... only to fuck up and transmat her discarded clothing instead. Jeez. Is this how far the Daleks Daloids have fallen? They can't even beam up someone properly?
While naked stupid girl #1 is now moving around in the woods she suddenly gets beamed onboard the
Dalek Daloid ship. She's now their prisoner... and they want to interrogate her for information on humanity. Weaknesses and all.
...what the fuck. Seriously? Her? This is going to be your fountain of data on humanity? A Russian immigrant that can barely speak English and is probably an illegal? Couldn't you have picked someone, you know, infinitely better to interrogate for vital information on humanity... or better yet, search the Internet!
Bitch suddenly gets a plunger to the face while the
Daleks Daloids commands her to obey!
OBEY! OBEY! LICK. MY. PLUNGER. BABY. DO. IT. HARDER.
I would like to point out a small observation. One of the voices of the
Daleks Daloids sounds like dialogue they ripped from an old episode of Doctor Who. The rest of them are obviously voiced by original actors but this one isn't.
With that pointed out, we move on. We're now back with the other three girls. They've noticed that one of them is gone. Two of them want to head back to look for their missing friend. The other is like, "fuck that bitch. If she can't keep up, fuck her." She will now forever be known as Major Cunt.
They split up with Major Cunt going it alone and the other two off to find their friend. They happened across what I assume is the missing girl's dress that somehow got beamed back onto the planet. Fearing for their friend's safety, one of them leaps into the arms of the other and suddenly start making out, getting naked, and posing in unnatural poses while saying things like this: "You have such delicious skin!"
No. I am not making this up. What you see there? That's fucking Oscar worthy material, son.
...I think I'm losing my brain cells here.
Suddenly the two girls are beamed onto the
Dalek Daloid ship while still making out and being totally oblivious as to what is happening. I shit you not. These girls have to be terminally stupid to not notice a sudden and completely radical change in scenery, even if they are trying to engage in what some would call 'Skinamax-wannabe lesbian action.'
Dalek Daloids around them just turn to each other and give a reaction that's equal parts "What the fuck?! Are these girls just fucking 'dropped on the head as a young child' stupid?" and "Oh yeah, man. Look at these bitches get it on!"
Dalek Daloid ahems.
I shit you not. A
Dalek Daloid ahems to get their attention.
You can't make this shit up.
The girls are surprised and are wondering what's happening. The
Daleks Daloids commands them to obey them without question. That includes commands like standing up and putting their hands on their heads. And they won't tolerate disobedience.
DO! AS! WE! SAY! SHOW. ME. THOSE. TITTIES. BITCHES.
While escorting them, the
Daleks Daloids are demanding information on humanity while spouting likes like, "RESISTANCE. IS. FUTILE."
Again, I shit you not. They're not content to take a steaming pile of shit on one sci-fi franchise. They just have to reference another.
Then we get a warning about how the next scene contains strobing effects while name-checking the Surgeon General. Yeah. That's right.
Were getting strobing effects while Pink Floyd plays in the background. Sorta sounds like my teenage years except for
Daleks Daloids demanding information and titties.
This next scene has the
Daleks Daloids having a meeting, lamenting their lack of information. They're really a glass is half-full sort, aren't they? I mean, they got the titties they wanted! If they really wanted information they should have went somewhere else.
Daleks Daloids aren't defeated yet... for they have a secret weapon in store for use against these nude and incredibly stupid Russian immigrants!
You know, I haven't really mentioned anything else concerning the special effects and there's a reason. Because they're so horrible, so badly shoe-string, that they make Classic Doctor Who special effects look like Industrial Effects and Magic quality in comparison.
With that said, the horrible experience continues. The
Daleks Daloids have beamed onboard their secret weapon and we cut to the interrogation room. Suddenly they introduce... their other friend, Major Cunt? Seriously? That stuck-up cunt that would rather leave her friend abandoned and lost in the woods? That's their interrogator? Seriously?
Major Cunt whips her friend for a bit then the
Daleks Daloids start to use 'laser torture' on two of the girls. Incredibly horrible special effects laser torture. I am so scared. I'm pissing in my pants right now. Surprisingly it doesn't work!
Suddenly one of the girls gets free! And somehow gets a knife! I have no idea how that happened. Seriously. Suddenly, bitch breaks free and has a knife which she uses to stab one of the
Daleks Daloids before being killed. Then the other two girls try to escape in the confusion only to be discovered by Major Cunt. Major Cunt holds them at gun point before she herself uses the teleporter to escape from the Dalek Daloid ship.
OK, seriously. Where the hell are they getting these weapons from? Their vagina? Have their pussies be turned into a pocket dimension that can hold anything?
Oh, hell. It doesn't matter. Because the two girls stranded on the ship? Gets exterminated. What a great loss to humanity. I will remember them forever.
Now the movie cuts to the sole survivor of the stupid bitch expedition, Major Cunt. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Three innocent yet incredibly stupid Russian girls get slaughtered by
Daleks Daloids due to the actions of Major Cunt and she gets away jack-free!
Well, trust me. That will change soon.
What also changes is her actress. For some reason they get a new actress to play the role of Major Cunt and they blame this on the teleporter. This is also the reason why she's suddenly naked. Yes, the teleporter changed her DNA, physical appearance, and made her naked in the process. Don't you love the logic of this film?
We see her walking around the woods, trying to find a way out. She comes across some of the things that her friends left, a handbag and a flashlight. She then decides to raid the purse... and put on the lipstick that she found. "A girl always has to look her best. She never knows who she's gonna bump into."
Yeah, while you're fucking naked in the spooky woods with a serial killer.
Suddenly she encounters a strange man in a goofy mask with a gun! He's walking around the woods for whatever reasons. Eh. Whatever floats your boat. I've heard stranger things that involve goats, at least twelve innocent children, and a dark ritual that takes five days time.
Major Cunt hides from the gun man and then... well... you gotta see this to believe.
Major Cunt wakes up, finding herself tied to the tree. The Ugly Masked Man with a gun tries to interrogate her. He also speaks in a strange electronic voice that I'm assuming the director created by using some cheap internet voice program thingy. It's the only logical explanation as to why it sounds this horrible.
He essentially reiterates the same exposition from the beginning of the film regarding the serial killer that's been the talk of town... and he plans on using Major Cunt as bait. He then again asks why she's out naked in the woods. We then get another bit of exposition as to how she came in service of the
Daleks Daloids. I'm not going to repeat it here but it's incredibly stupid and a silly attempt to explain the 'plot' of the film.
The Ugly Masked Man with the creepy voice then goes, "Seriously, bitch? You expect me to believe this crazy story?" He then starts to molest the woman.
Now this is where I must say something...
This is not a porn. Seriously, it isn't a porn. This is nowhere close to being a porn. In fact, this is an insult to porn.
Showing some tits and pussy doesn't make this a porn. Groping some tits, sticking a gun's barrel briefly into a vagina, and hilariously attempting to finger a porn doesn't make it a porn. If anything, it makes it an awkward third date but nowhere close to being a porn.
To be a porn you have to obviously have some sort of sexual activity. It could be oral, vaginal, or anal. It has to be created with an attempt to stimulate your intended viewers. This doesn't come close to doing so.
This isn't even a film. This is fifty-four minutes of wasted time.
Now back to the film, they hear a noise and the Ugly Masked Man goes to investigate. He doesn't come back because he gets killed. Then the serial killer comes out and starts his little ritual that they described in the exposition that I don't care to recall right before he kills a girl. Suddenly,
Daleks Daloids! See, the Daleks Daloids have been looking for this rogue agent to make sure she doesn't rat them out to the other humans. In attempting to bream her on-board, they inadvertently beam up the killer and exterminate his ass. Major Cunt is still tied to tree and it starts to rain. Fade to black.
We next see the naked woman talking to the police after being discovered and rescued by a nearby farmer. The cops don't believe her story but hell, they're going to let her go. After being told to fuck off by the police in response to her question for clothes, they inform her that someone's here for her. She claims that she doesn't know anyone and it must be a mistaken. Suddenly we hear the door open and hear the
Daleks Daloids come in demanding for her extermination.
To summarize my thoughts: This is a horrible waste of celluloid. This isn't a film, this isn't even a porn. It's fifty-four minutes of time that you'll never get back. Avoid at all costs.
...Oh god, I can't believe I typed all of that. This is nine pages of a rambling review on a horrible attempt at parody porn and I did this for you. All of you. May whatever deities you believe in have mercy on your souls, because I fucking won't. I haven't even edited this madness because it must be read in its raw form. I hope to whatever sanity I have left that I won't try to do anything similar anytime soon.
<// J_Daito //> Yes, because monsters and weird creatures are only ok in the context of liturgical depictions of Hell and the Apocalypse